Thursday, February 16, 2012

Head Case

Today, I woke up with a massive headache due to the weather change. Therefore, I was anxiously awaiting my appointment with Dr. Carlos Durana hoping acupuncture would give me some relief.

He asked how I was and I mentioned my headache. He replied, "I can see you are not feeling well. Is the headache on your left side." I nodded and replied, "Yes."

He wanted to focus on my head today for many reasons, but not limited to trying to ease my headache. It appears, everyone holds their tension/emotions in one part of their body. For me, it's a place under my skull on the left-hand side. Today, he inserted so many needles into my face that I am sure I was the epitome of a pinhead, but I really didn't care. My head was throbbing and I was pleading to the gods to please let this session offer me some relief.

Usually when he hits the "point" with his needle, I experience a tingle or sometimes an explosion of feeling. I really can't describe it. However, this time – every single point he hit in my head and face simply hurt. He asked me before we began working on my breathing if I felt emotional today and I replied, "No, not at all" and closed my eyes to start my meditation. He was talking about visualization and how we are going to start focusing on this next week as it is a critical step in the healing process especially when dealing with cancer. I agreed as I have been told by many individuals it's such an important task to visualize the cancer being killed – hence our continual nod to Lara Croft. *bam bam*

Then things started to get crazy ...

Dr. Durana:  "Are you spiritual?"
Jennifer:  "Well, I am not over-the-top religious and that is because I think religion was beat into my head while going to a Catholic School almost all my life, but I do believe in God. I just have a lot of questions, but that is typical of me. I DO pray all the time."
Dr. Durana:  "Ok. Good, so you do pray. Well, whoever or whatever you pray to then ask to let the Spirit be with you."
Jennifer:  "Umm... OK"

I begin to breathe. As I inhaled, I would tell myself "peace" or "heal" and as I exhaled "Let the spirit be with me" repeatedly. After 3-4 deep breaths, I sensed this surge of emotion very similar to what happened on my second session. My eyes are closed, but tears were building and building and then begin to pour. I was sobbing, gasping for breath. However, I was still lying there.

Jennifer:  "What is happening? OMG. What is happening?"
Dr. Durana:  "Jennifer, I sense sadness. There is something wanting to come in. I don't know who or what, but let it in. Breathe. It's OK. I am here. Breathe."

Now, I cannot vividly describe what happened next, but as I lay there with my eyes closed I felt dizzy, but like my mind was in a body of water and I was being jostled back and forth in slow motion. My thoughts were muddled, wavy, blurry...

Jennifer:  "I am dizzy. Why am I dizzy? What the hell is happening?"
Dr. Durana: "This is normal. You are fighting whatever it is .. .stop fighting. Welcome it. Stop fighting. Ground yourself, Jennifer. It will pass. Take Control. Invite it."

I did. A sense of calmness overcame me. The sobbing subsided.

Dr. Durana:  "Good. You are in a safe place. I am going to start working on your head. I need you to keep talking to me and tell me if you have any thoughts, emotions."

He started working on that spot and it felt like it was the size of a golf ball. You know that feeling when it hurts so much, but it feels good at the same time? That's how it felt.

Within seconds, images appeared. I saw my Pappous (my grandfather) looking down on me. I felt a sense of peace. It's like I wanted to reach out and touch his face.

Jennifer:  "My pappous. It's my pappous".
Dr. Durana: 'What are you feeling?"
Jennifer: "Calm."

He continued to dig into the spot and then ...big red letters appear TUMOR

Jennifer:  "Tumor. Tumor. Omg. Do I have a tumor in my head? Is this a tumor? Wait, no. I don't think it's a tumor in my head. That is not what I am thinking. I really don't know why I just envisioned the word tumor in red letters."
Dr. Durana:  "Jennifer, you do not have a tumor in your head. This is tension. We can call it a tension tumor. There are years of emotions balled up in this spot. We just only worked through the first layer of it."

He took his hands from under my head and said he needed to give his hand a rest.

Dr. Durana:  "We will begin working through and identifying these issues. Your family relationships. Your Marriage. Your Miscarriage. Cancer. You have have a lot of emotions stored that you never worked through."

OK. My family and friends know the details about some of my "issues" notated above. They also know my personality of dealing with the situation and then moving on; However, it is becoming very clear that I don't really deal with my issues. I don't get closure. I just store it in this nice little compartment in the back of my skull for a rainy day. Dammit.

As I laid there I wondered what the hell just happened, yet again..

Dr. Durana:  "Your cancer. It's right here."

He encompassed with his hand EXACTLY where the tumor is which is not exactly on my breast, but behind my breast attached to the back chest wall and up my shoulder. I NEVER EVER showed him where it was.

Jennifer:  "How did you know that?"
Dr. Durana:  "I see it."
Jennifer:  "What do you mean you see it?"
Dr. Durana:  "It's my 'third eye.' When I work on you, I can see inside you. Your emotions. I saw your cancer today."

At this point, I was contemplating running out the door because I was really spooked, but I laid there and really tried to understand what I just heard, but then a sadness overcame me.

Jennifer:  "So... the cancer is still there?"
Dr. Durana:  "Jennifer, of course it's still there but it will go away. Chemotherapy will take it away. We just need to give it time."

While I pounded my fist against my breast, I sadly muttered, "I just want it out of me. I want it gone."

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