The last few days have been the most challenging of my entire life. I am scared, then sad, then angry, then frustrated, then optimistic ... and just when I've felt every possible emotion, I start cycling back through them again. I am stuck in a tornado and at any given moment I am dropped to the hard surface of the Earth and then whipped back up in the spiral. I honestly don't know which way is up at this point or how I am even supposed to feel. I am at a loss of even beginning to comprehend what is happening to me. I cannot believe I have cancer.
I am a very analytical and rational person who works from percentages and probabilities and the fact that my situation changes on a daily basis is making me incredibly anxious. I feel as though I have no control. This disease just sits in my body and continues to spread. I am so pissed off.
I understand, respect and put faith in my medical team that they are going about this in the most logical and rational way possible, but I can't help but feel like we are losing ground in being able to kill this cancer. Both Dr. Heyer and my nurse Jessica have assured me that pushing my chemotherapy back a week won't make a difference and that they think there is huge value in biopsying the lung nodule. Having to wait to get this process moving is difficult mentally and emotionally.
For the past couple of days my chest has been hurting, but I just assumed it was due to the breast MRI (which is not comfortable) or phantom pains. Basically, my mind has started playing tricks on me, which tends to be a normal reaction after a cancer diagnosis.
This morning the chest pain persisted and I proceeded to spit up some phlegm. Hmm, that was odd, although I do typically get a sinus infection around this time of year. Then I sat still and really tried to listen to my body. My throat and ears ached. I think I’m getting sick! Could the nodules in my lungs actually be an infection? OMG, please. I’ll take pneumonia if it doesn’t mean this cancer is in my lungs. I never thought I would hope for pneumonia.
I was messaging with Kwiatek and she said "Call Dr. Heyer's office NOW and tell them." I hadn't really thought much of it, but I guess any changes with my body are essential in the way they treat me. I spoke with Jessica my nurse and she said I need to be on a Z-pak (antibiotic) ASAP. Dr. Heyer also moved my biopsy to TOMORROW (Thursday, Feb. 2) at 10:30am. He said he knew how anxious I was and that he made it happen so I can get this biopsy done and over with. He is a good man. Chemotherapy will still start on Wednesday, Feb. 8 at 9:10am. Maybe my prayers are being heard.
I never really realized before, but if I take the time to listen to my body, it can tell me a lot.